a note on vices
a journal entry from March 2022
A Note on Vices
No vices will make one crazy, you know. Why don’t they tell us that in school? I could have used some preparation.
I feel melancholy and nostalgic again.
I hate typing with these stupid long fingernails but they make me feel elegant. I go through waves of nostalgia every few months. Is that how being human is? Just the cycle of life?
You live live live, and then all that living smacks you in the face and causes you to slow down and suddenly you’re texting your mom “good morning” and crying because your key won’t work and certain songs make you shiver even during summer.
I feel a deep pain in my chest and stomach; heartache. they don’t teach you about that in school either.
I did learn a few years ago that attachment to things is the root of all unhappiness but I can’t help feeling the longing for my childhood home and every lover I’ve ever had. I always have a hard time saying goodbye. I never can. Maybe that’s one of my vices. Maybe I’m nostalgic for passing time. Time I never realized I had until it was gone. Time spent at that childhood home, my dad hunched over the plants in the front yard he so tenderly catered to and my mom’s laughter from a friendly phone call muffled inside. Time with my childhood friends who all grew up and have become (almost) forgotten memories. Time spent as a little girl, playful, dreamy, curious. The cycles continues. Life, loss, vices, nostalgia.
Sophia that is crazy… I follow you and I feel like I’ve know you because I feel so close to you by seeing your videos, your routine is some kind of therapy to me. But to read this is so crazy because I feel just the SAME. I commented few days ago, your video on tiktok ab being melancholic, and I wrote a poem that said EXACTLY THAT, I even described as a “loop” because I’m always going through times of extreme excitement, then existencial crisis & deep nostalgia and then a very low point (questioning everything). The thing is accepting that we are like this and just trying to canalize that into art ! You are not alone :)
This is so raw and sweet.. I almost cried reading it. I think that’s my favorite part of you Sophia! I feel that you’d like the documentary Stutz on Netflix. It’s kinda slow though but good. I feel like a way to not let nostalgia eat me me up is to close my eyes and think of those memories or feelings on a micro-level and really sink into the BLISSFUL sensations they brought in the moment then. For example, feel the sun that one summer kiss your skin and the smile and peace that it brought you. The smile of that person sending a wide smile across your face. The giggles of your friends from that memory warming your heart and almost making you burst into laughter. Basically taking those emotions from good moments and feeling it as if they are happening to you in that moment. because, it’s all a part of you forever even if you forget those memories they are deep in your subconscious. The sad moments I try and think of them as facts not just the emotions. Life is everlasting and you will make more memories that are just as real and sweet <3