paris, texas

I decided I’m going to watch a new movie every week, in lieu of my few rotating comforting shows I’ve seen a million times. This week it was Paris, Texas by Wim Wenders. A movie that’s been on my list forever, one that I have been putting off because I knew it was sad and slow and sometimes my brain doesn’t naturally want to consume that. Which is why I’m making an effort to watch and listen to more slow, intentional, smart, well done works.

Let me rant for a sec, because this movie made me think a lot. It’s so wild to me because I used to value being smart and wise and all knowing. When I was younger, my parents ingrained in me that knowledge is the ultimate power and that being viewed as smart was the highest form of respect and honor. I remember being 14 and walking into the neighborhood library with my dad and browsing the aisles of millions of books thinking to myself “I have to read all of them. I have to have all this knowledge”. Then boys happened. And crazy friends. And praise came rolling in from the male gaze, sensuality, and social activities. I forgot about the power from knowledge and replaced it with the power of seduction and materialism. God, it pains me still. How was I supposed to fight it though? When you’re young and impressionable, you become rather powerless. As I’ve gotten a bit older, it’s come back to me some, the deep desire for knowledge and to come across as smart. I meet a lot of people in this city who are so intelligent and interesting. I meet a lot of people who definitely don’t value intellect and have seemingly no interest in anything besides a small handful of reality tv, pop artists, and Colleen Hoover books. (No shame to either party). I find myself somewhere in between, and that’s okay. But as time continues to pass…as I get older…god I’m craving the torture of a slow and drawn out movie. I want to disregard my phone, I want to cry, I want to use my imagination again, I want to be bored and thoughtful.

So that’s why I’m watching more movies. Especially ones that are truly beautiful and intentional. Emphasis on intentional. Paris, Texas was so visually stunning. The colors and the compositions of every scene were so gorgeous, each one could be a painting. It was slower though and I found my brain jumping around and day dreaming at moments but this is intellectual training. That’s what I’m calling it. I’m no longer blaming my “ADHD” and instead calling it a phone and stimulation addiction that I need to break. And it starts with movies.